Before the solar return

February 02, 2019

Last day of being 26. I lie in bed trying to sleep. Soon I would have to prepare to meet a friend. What's running through my mind exactly? The RoastMe subreddit of a depressed Russian guy made me think. Suddenly I recall how my life was some 8 years ago leading up to this very day. Breathing, suspended between life and death. An empty shell. Alive but not living. Heavily judged. Seemingly worthless. So many things crossed my mind, and simultaneously nothing. I love sleeping but couldn't sleep. I love eating but I didn't eat. Lost all sense of self-awareness. Devoid of all emotion. The ones I love are close to giving up on me. Omg, same. Papa knocks on my door. He hands me the keys. I drive us safely despite the bad driver that I am. It would have been funnier if I died. (Just me.) He said he'll go for a checkup. But he tricked me. So I ended up seeing the doctor specializing in differently-wired people. It wasn't bad. Went home. Stayed in bed all day. Maybe watched a movie. Or two. Immediately forgot. What was the plot again? Searched Google. Gets sidetracked. How to die a fast painless death. What pill will leave no trace. I don't want to cut myself. Ew. Google surprisingly has no answer. I thought it was my best friend. Or was it that I never looked hard enough? Downed all the sleeping pills my doctor prescribed. It doesn't work? What the hell. I'm still alive. Let me think of sad thoughts so that I could cry then. So that I could sleep. Can I sleep forever? Let me burn all my journals first. I don't want anyone to find out, even in my death. But I want them to see me. It's another day, I suppose. I wouldn't know. Blacked out my room. There's knocking on my door. Huh? Friends? Why would they visit? Our house is too far. People actually think of me? I have not bathed in days. Hey let me cook something for you guys. It's delicious? Here have some more. You can visit anytime you want. (Not sure if I'll still be here.) I may have not thanked them for visiting. Is that a smile on my face? Gravity heard and slowly pulled both sides of my lips down. Down. Back to reality. Another day. Another silent tendency. How to end this without looking unfortunate and ugly? Suddenly, a text. You want me to jog with you? Okay. Another day. A laugh. Thank you. Another day. Hmm. Life doesn't have to make sense, I guess. Acceptance. Healing. Enrolled in a small school. I won't associate myself with anyone this time. Occasional episodes. Slow momentum but... new friends. I like these people. I hate this godforsaken school. I show up. Often late, but present. Occasionally absent. Bad habits die hard. More music and movie finds. Two years fly by fast. Sandwich. Almost Famous. Davao. My parents actually let me live alone? What got into them? But thank goodness. And finally, after a long time I felt truly alive. Okay this band is cool. They are so good? I like this band. Can we take a picture? Wow they're nice. I love this band. When will I ever see them again? Fashion and school politics aren't for me. It's time to go home. Make sure my siblings grow up well and feel cared for. I can't do everything. They don't listen to me. Mama's home. Painful adjustment. Yes, I talk back now. Runs away. And the jobless prodigal daughter comes home. Let's make this work. It's time to grow up. Fly. Fly. Fly alone. Oh, the thrill. People-watching. People watching. Unlearn. Learn. My demons appear. Now. And then. Now. And then. I'm still here.

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