E L A I L I M

 

A journal entry from May 2, 2021

Previously lamented being caught up feeling what the New York Times has dubbed as 'languishing'. This awareness has led me to examine my life, and to put things simply, all I ever really needed was a break. I've been working 11-16 hours a day for the last few months, barely getting any sleep. I worked as if I had an entire barangay to provide for. My body would refuse to function at times, which is very counterproductive when you're a slave to capitalism. Gladly, the addition of our new hire has helped free up some of my time.

This past week, my intuition compelled me to watch The Last Dance, a miniseries about Michael Jordan and the 90s Chicago Bulls. I won't summarize it here but my greatest takeaways were how MJ masterfully embodied both grit and flow, how he converted every negative to positive, how living in the NOW is key to success; and how his sense of self, focus, and high standards helped him overcome one mountain after the next. He locks on his target, works on it diligently, trusts the process, and does whatever it takes. Whatever it takes.

I'm way past the stage of glorifying 'idols' because at the end of the day all of us are flawed human beings with maximum capacity for thoughts and feelings, but it is his dedication and work ethic I'd want to emulate for even just a little. Even just a fraction of intensity like Mike's.

Feeling a seemingly inextinguishable blasé at 29 is a dangerous feeling. I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. It's terrifying just thinking about it—to be a walking and breathing but empty shell until you simply cease to be. Maybe it's the pandemic blues. Maybe it's dysthymia. Or both.

I've always been a 'big picture' kind of person. To overturn this climate of disinterest, and to say that I at least tried to fight the negative current my life seems to be heading towards, I've resolved to pay even more attention to the details.

As seen in the photo, I tried to copy a local coffee shop's centerpiece to style my shelf. Did it work? I can't say I have a knack for it, but I could practice on becoming better.

These pursuits of form don't pay as much as function, but they kinda seem to make life worthwhile despite being counterintuitive to my nature. Is that what I've been missing all this time? A dash of the trivial?

Wise people have reiterated that it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than to be absolutely boring. So wish me luck.

Have you ever lived your life for nearly 29 years when one day, you wake up (oh thank goodness you woke up), realizing—stubborn as people say you are (oh, the irony)—that you have completely lost sense of what makes you happy, what makes you feel alive, what your dreams are, who you really are because of how much you've adjusted to put your environment and the people in it first?

If someone were to ask, "What makes you happy?" You would respond with, "Seeing other people happy is enough for me." Liar. Okay, maybe a half-truth. If someone were to ask, "What do you dream about?" You low-key spiral to madness because you've let go of every semblance of the dreams you used to have.

You've become a doormat. A kind and generous doormat. A people-pleasing, mi casa es su casa kind of doormat. It's almost saccharine, it's—in Filipino—nakakaumay. You're the most stubborn pushover one could ever know. You thought you've got it all together, and you've convinced people to think you've got it all together, but the damned dam broke. You've had enough.

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Have you ever revisited your years-old blog and cringed at every single entry you wrote for the world to see, because you know better now. Not everything, but a few tiers wiser. You want to hug your past self for the outdated perceptions you held onto for eons. But that's growth for you. It is painful and nauseating, but you are in the midst of waking up. You have to be patient and you have to learn to accept it and deal with the pain and the shame. But how are you to deal with the shame? Will you start all over again? (Thank heavens Blogger finally added an Unpublish button.)

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I am currently in a tough place, still trying to figure myself out—as if I haven't been doing exactly that all this time.

Several meltdowns and hours-long conversations with trusted friends later, I realized how broken I've always been, carrying piles of unaddressed issues and traumas under my wing. I've never had a strong sense of self and I barely have any boundaries set because I made myself pliable and malleable and available; because from the very beginning, I believed my existence was a mistake. (It's an important life skill to learn how to choose and believe the narratives we tell ourselves.)

I have allowed others to step on me as long as it makes them happy. But the fault is not entirely theirs because I let them. But then, I didn't know any better. I had the mindset of a victim and a martyr (having been named Dolores—what's in a name?). I took it upon myself to take on the role of sacrificial lamb and  professional overthinker in charge of (over)thinking about/for everyone. I barely demand in the name of selflessness, but deep down, that gnaws at me, and I've had to learn to be good at pretending I'm okay with it. Ugh.

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I thought self-love was getting regular massages, discovering new places, working on myself, living life the way I want to—and maybe those are indeed valid acts of self-love, but not all there is to it. Self-love could be saying no, stop, not anymore. Self-love could be being okay with being deemed selfish without giving a f*ck about it; taking up space, lots of it; carving my own way, if I had to; and discovering what I want, not what other people make me think I want. (I learned there is a term for it—mimesis.)

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So, what about me? For starters, I'll begin to ask this question more often and go from there.

Show/Hide

I've managed to reach a certain point where I am able to choose not to react to situations; to respond as wisely and as tactfully as I can. Up to a certain point. Beyond that, I tend to go rogue and lose all sense of self-control. Everything goes downhill and merely functioning becomes a struggle.

When I think about it, I've consciously avoided putting myself in scenarios that could possibly overwhelm me, especially in the last few years. Everything I do outside my comfort zone is a calculated risk or something I condition myself for some time. Of course I'm not entirely insusceptible from being beset by my feelings or from being perplexed by the irrationality of 90% of things I have no power over; but given the choice, I'd rather be at peace always. So much drama in the past has made any manifestation of brimming emotions slightly, if not totally, off-putting.

Posting these videos from our trip to Singapore back in September 2015. I took them using the VHS Cam app on my phone, hence the deliberate retro quality of the videos. These aren't proper travel vlogs as I was just documenting snippets of the trip.

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Throwing a random photo (the term selfie has not been coined then) of when I was still in high school because wala lang:

I may have welcomed the new year sans family—standing by the edge of the ledge alone with my thoughts amidst a celebrating crowd—but boy was I filled with joy. Giddy, even. It felt nothing short of magical to look at the sky and watch it come to life with a cool band playing behind me (the video's audio doesn't do Upstart any justice, BTW). Unsurprisingly, fireworks and music are among my favorite things in life.
If this setup were to be the theme of my 2016—work, solitude, music, and sparks—then I believe I'm ready to brave the year, jump from the proverbial ledge (not the one I was at, lisod pud haha), and hopefully leave my nest. Whether I fly or I fall, it doesn't matter. After all, nobody is stopping me but myself.

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(Transcript from uarts.edu)

134th Commencement

May 17, 2012

I never really expected to find myself giving advice to people graduating from an establishment of higher education. I never graduated from any such establishment. I never even started at one. I escaped from school as soon as I could, when the prospect of four more years of enforced learning before I'd become the writer I wanted to be was stifling.

I got out into the world, I wrote, and I became a better writer the more I wrote, and I wrote some more, and nobody ever seemed to mind that I was making it up as I went along, they just read what I wrote and they paid for it, or they didn't, and often they commissioned me to write something else for them.

Which has left me with a healthy respect and fondness for higher education that those of my friends and family, who attended Universities, were cured of long ago.

Looking back, I've had a remarkable ride. I'm not sure I can call it a career, because a career implies that I had some kind of career plan, and I never did. The nearest thing I had was a list I made when I was 15 of everything I wanted to do: to write an adult novel, a children's book, a comic, a movie, record an audiobook, write an episode of Doctor Who... and so on. I didn't have a career. I just did the next thing on the list.

So I thought I'd tell you everything I wish I'd known starting out, and a few things that, looking back on it, I suppose that I did know. And that I would also give you the best piece of advice I'd ever got, which I completely failed to follow.

First of all: When you start out on a career in the arts you have no idea what you are doing.

This is great. People who know what they are doing know the rules, and know what is possible and impossible. You do not. And you should not. The rules on what is possible and impossible in the arts were made by people who had not tested the bounds of the possible by going beyond them. And you can.

If you don't know it's impossible, it's easier to do. And because nobody's done it before, they haven't made up rules to stop anyone doing that again, yet.

Secondly, If you have an idea of what you want to make, what you were put here to do, then just go and do that.

And that's much harder than it sounds and, sometimes in the end, so much easier than you might imagine. Because normally, there are things you have to do before you can get to the place you want to be. I wanted to write comics and novels and stories and films, so I became a journalist, because journalists are allowed to ask questions, and to simply go and find out how the world works, and besides, to do those things I needed to write and to write well, and I was being paid to learn how to write economically, crisply, sometimes under adverse conditions, and on time.

Sometimes the way to do what you hope to do will be clear cut, and sometimes it will be almost impossible to decide whether or not you are doing the correct thing, because you'll have to balance your goals and hopes with feeding yourself, paying debts, finding work, settling for what you can get.

Something that worked for me was imagining that where I wanted to be – an author, primarily of fiction, making good books, making good comics and supporting myself through my words – was a mountain. A distant mountain. My goal.

And I knew that as long as I kept walking towards the mountain I would be all right. And when I truly was not sure what to do, I could stop, and think about whether it was taking me towards or away from the mountain. I said no to editorial jobs on magazines, proper jobs that would have paid proper money because I knew that, attractive though they were, for me they would have been walking away from the mountain. And if those job offers had come along earlier I might have taken them, because they still would have been closer to the mountain than I was at the time.

I learned to write by writing. I tended to do anything as long as it felt like an adventure, and to stop when it felt like work, which meant that life did not feel like work.

Thirdly, When you start off, you have to deal with the problems of failure. You need to be thickskinned, to learn that not every project will survive. A freelance life, a life in the arts, is sometimes like putting messages in bottles, on a desert island, and hoping that someone will find one of your bottles and open it and read it, and put something in a bottle that will wash its way back to you: appreciation, or a commission, or money, or love. And you have to accept that you may put out a hundred things for every bottle that winds up coming back.

The problems of failure are problems of discouragement, of hopelessness, of hunger. You want everything to happen and you want it now, and things go wrong. My first book – a piece of journalism I had done for the money, and which had already bought me an electric typewriter from the advance – should have been a bestseller. It should have paid me a lot of money. If the publisher hadn't gone into involuntary liquidation between the first print run selling out and the second printing, and before any royalties could be paid, it would have done.

And I shrugged, and I still had my electric typewriter and enough money to pay the rent for a couple of months, and I decided that I would do my best in future not to write books just for the money. If you didn't get the money, then you didn't have anything. If I did work I was proud of, and I didn't get the money, at least I'd have the work.

Every now and again, I forget that rule, and whenever I do, the universe kicks me hard and reminds me. I don't know that it's an issue for anybody but me, but it's true that nothing I did where the only reason for doing it was the money was ever worth it, except as bitter experience. Usually I didn't wind up getting the money, either. The things I did because I was excited, and wanted to see them exist in reality have never let me down, and I've never regretted the time I spent on any of them.

The problems of failure are hard.

The problems of success can be harder, because nobody warns you about them.

The first problem of any kind of even limited success is the unshakable conviction that you are getting away with something, and that any moment now they will discover you. It's Imposter Syndrome, something my wife Amanda christened the Fraud Police.

In my case, I was convinced that there would be a knock on the door, and a man with a clipboard (I don't know why he carried a clipboard, in my head, but he did) would be there, to tell me it was all over, and they had caught up with me, and now I would have to go and get a real job, one that didn't consist of making things up and writing them down, and reading books I wanted to read. And then I would go away quietly and get the kind of job where you don't have to make things up any more.

The problems of success. They're real, and with luck you'll experience them. The point where you stop saying yes to everything, because now the bottles you threw in the ocean are all coming back, and have to learn to say no.

I watched my peers, and my friends, and the ones who were older than me and watch how miserable some of them were: I'd listen to them telling me that they couldn't envisage a world where they did what they had always wanted to do any more, because now they had to earn a certain amount every month just to keep where they were. They couldn't go and do the things that mattered, and that they had really wanted to do; and that seemed as a big a tragedy as any problem of failure.

And after that, the biggest problem of success is that the world conspires to stop you doing the thing that you do, because you are successful. There was a day when I looked up and realised that I had become someone who professionally replied to email, and who wrote as a hobby. I started answering fewer emails, and was relieved to find I was writing much more.

Fourthly, I hope you'll make mistakes. If you're making mistakes, it means you're out there doing something. And the mistakes in themselves can be useful. I once misspelled Caroline, in a letter, transposing the A and the O, and I thought, “Coraline looks like a real name...”

And remember that whatever discipline you are in, whether you are a musician or a photographer, a fine artist or a cartoonist, a writer, a dancer, a designer, whatever you do you have one thing that's unique. You have the ability to make art.

And for me, and for so many of the people I have known, that's been a lifesaver. The ultimate lifesaver. It gets you through good times and it gets you through the other ones.

Life is sometimes hard. Things go wrong, in life and in love and in business and in friendship and in health and in all the other ways that life can go wrong. And when things get tough, this is what you should do.

Make good art.

I'm serious. Husband runs off with a politician? Make good art. Leg crushed and then eaten by mutated boa constrictor? Make good art. IRS on your trail? Make good art. Cat exploded? Make good art. Somebody on the Internet thinks what you do is stupid or evil or it's all been done before? Make good art. Probably things will work out somehow, and eventually time will take the sting away, but that doesn't matter. Do what only you do best. Make good art.

Make it on the good days too.

And Fifthly, while you are at it, make your art. Do the stuff that only you can do.

The urge, starting out, is to copy. And that's not a bad thing. Most of us only find our own voices after we've sounded like a lot of other people. But the one thing that you have that nobody else has is you. Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision. So write and draw and build and play and dance and live as only you can.

The moment that you feel that, just possibly, you're walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself. That's the moment you may be starting to get it right.

The things I've done that worked the best were the things I was the least certain about, the stories where I was sure they would either work, or more likely be the kinds of embarrassing failures people would gather together and talk about until the end of time. They always had that in common: looking back at them, people explain why they were inevitable successes. While I was doing them, I had no idea.

I still don't. And where would be the fun in making something you knew was going to work?

And sometimes the things I did really didn't work. There are stories of mine that have never been reprinted. Some of them never even left the house. But I learned as much from them as I did from the things that worked.

Sixthly. I will pass on some secret freelancer knowledge. Secret knowledge is always good. And it is useful for anyone who ever plans to create art for other people, to enter a freelance world of any kind. I learned it in comics, but it applies to other fields too. And it's this:

People get hired because, somehow, they get hired. In my case I did something which these days would be easy to check, and would get me into trouble, and when I started out, in those pre-internet days, seemed like a sensible career strategy: when I was asked by editors who I'd worked for, I lied. I listed a handful of magazines that sounded likely, and I sounded confident, and I got jobs. I then made it a point of honour to have written something for each of the magazines I'd listed to get that first job, so that I hadn't actually lied, I'd just been chronologically challenged... You get work however you get work.

People keep working, in a freelance world, and more and more of today's world is freelance, because their work is good, and because they are easy to get along with, and because they deliver the work on time. And you don't even need all three. Two out of three is fine. People will tolerate how unpleasant you are if your work is good and you deliver it on time. They'll forgive the lateness of the work if it's good, and if they like you. And you don't have to be as good as the others if you're on time and it's always a pleasure to hear from you.

When I agreed to give this address, I started trying to think what the best advice I'd been given over the years was.

And it came from Stephen King twenty years ago, at the height of the success of Sandman. I was writing a comic that people loved and were taking seriously. King had liked Sandman and my novel with Terry Pratchett, Good Omens, and he saw the madness, the long signing lines, all that, and his advice was this:

“This is really great. You should enjoy it.”

And I didn't. Best advice I got that I ignored.Instead I worried about it. I worried about the next deadline, the next idea, the next story. There wasn't a moment for the next fourteen or fifteen years that I wasn't writing something in my head, or wondering about it. And I didn't stop and look around and go, this is really fun. I wish I'd enjoyed it more. It's been an amazing ride. But there were parts of the ride I missed, because I was too worried about things going wrong, about what came next, to enjoy the bit I was on.

That was the hardest lesson for me, I think: to let go and enjoy the ride, because the ride takes you to some remarkable and unexpected places.

And here, on this platform, today, is one of those places. (I am enjoying myself immensely.)

To all today's graduates: I wish you luck. Luck is useful. Often you will discover that the harder you work, and the more wisely you work, the luckier you get. But there is luck, and it helps.

We're in a transitional world right now, if you're in any kind of artistic field, because the nature of distribution is changing, the models by which creators got their work out into the world, and got to keep a roof over their heads and buy sandwiches while they did that, are all changing. I've talked to people at the top of the food chain in publishing, in bookselling, in all those areas, and nobody knows what the landscape will look like two years from now, let alone a decade away. The distribution channels that people had built over the last century or so are in flux for print, for visual artists, for musicians, for creative people of all kinds.

Which is, on the one hand, intimidating, and on the other, immensely liberating. The rules, the assumptions, the now-we're supposed to's of how you get your work seen, and what you do then, are breaking down. The gatekeepers are leaving their gates. You can be as creative as you need to be to get your work seen. YouTube and the web (and whatever comes after YouTube and the web) can give you more people watching than television ever did. The old rules are crumbling and nobody knows what the new rules are.

So make up your own rules.

Someone asked me recently how to do something she thought was going to be difficult, in this case recording an audio book, and I suggested she pretend that she was someone who could do it. Not pretend to do it, but pretend she was someone who could. She put up a notice to this effect on the studio wall, and she said it helped.

So be wise, because the world needs more wisdom, and if you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would.

And now go, and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for your being here. Make good art.

Nothing is original. Steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration or fuels your imagination. Devour old films, new films, music, books, paintings, photographs, poems, dreams, random conversations, architecture, bridges, street signs, trees, clouds, bodies of water, light and shadows. Select only things to steal from that speak directly to your soul. If you do this, your work (and theft) will be authentic. Authenticity is invaluable; originality is nonexistent. And don’t bother concealing your thievery – celebrate it if you feel like it. In any case, always remember what Jean-Luc Godard said: “It’s not where you take things from – it’s where you take them to.”

1) Every problem is an opportunity for a creative solution. Attitude is everything and you control your attitude. The bigger the problem, the bigger the opportunity. No one will pay you to solve a non-problem.  

2) The harder you work, the luckier you get. You need to put yourself in a position to make yourself lucky. 

3) Find the intersection between your interests, your skills, and the market. “Follow your passions” is a cop-out piece of advice. Passions are necessary, but not sufficient. 

4) Try lots of things and keep what works. About risk taking and being willing to fail. If you aren't failing sometimes, you aren't taking enough risks.  

5) You don’t have to wait to be anointed. Write your own business card. Don’t wait for someone to tell you that you are ready for the next level. You do the job and then you get the job. Entrepreneurs don’t wait for others to empower them. They empower themselves.  

6) Don’t burn bridges. There are only 50 people in the world, the rest are wall paper. You are going to bump into these people over and over and over again.  

7) You can do it all, just not all at the same time. Know your priorities. Change them regularly. 

8) It’s the little things that matter most. Look people in the eye. Sit up straight. Write a thank you note within 24 hours of having a job interview.  

9) When you are a team, the key is making everybody else successful.The more you make other people around you successful, the more it comes back to you, many many many fold.  

10) Never miss an opportunity to be fabulous. This is not a dress rehearsal. If you are not going to do your best work now, when are you going to?

Transient from mungkey on Vimeo.


As I walk everyday...
I realize
that everything is passing...

The moment that I think about something
I know, that with a tick of the clock
that thought has now become part of the past

The moment I experience something
that something has now become part of me

When I imagine something
I know, that I somehow, have created something in my mind
and then, when I begin to think about it over and over again
I think, perhaps there is a possibility of it becoming real

This ignites hope
and I always hope for things to become better everyday

Slowly or quickly, 
everything is passing...

Every second we live...
it moves this part of us to the other side

Everything is quickly becoming part of the past

Everything is changing
constantly improving at times
but otherwise--decaying...
expiring
becoming old
or coming back to where it started

When I come to a place
I come to immerse myself in a real experience
I just want to feel and become part of the present moment

I know that there is a possibility
that I may never pass this way again

The future is uncertain
but the present
this is the moment I want to experience

The lens gives me the opportunity
to see the same world in a different point of view
sometimes in a different perspective, a different angle
just like having a new set of eyes
seeing things that are totally new and flawless
they may be exciting
but
but other things
y'know
something used
something damaged...
it's very interesting
I think
it has a lot of stories to tell

I go about capturing things that interest me
I realize that I, too, am passing...
just like everything else

I know that I cannot stay in this world forever
and I see no reason why I'm doing what I do

And I have a lot of photos that seem useless
but I still save them

It makes me happy being able to come back to them
and remember

Sometimes...
I tell my friends and loved ones about my experiences
and hearing their stories as well
feels like adding a new special mixture to the coffee
that accompany us during our conversations

The real connection we make with others
the sharing of experiences
this is one thing I love so much

I learned a lot of things
from places and people around me

I pay this passion with my time
and it makes me think that I am not wasting time
but rather, spending time with the things that I love doing.

This is what I live for.

- Mark "Mungkey" Vicente